Subtle Hints
by Atana
Summary: It's the Triwizard Tournament,and young Igor Karkaroff has designs on Britomartis Vox. Toss in a couple dozen hexes, a bit of jealousy, and some serious intervention from persons unknown, and Chaos Reigns. A Snips and Spirals story by Tess!
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER: For those interested in reading the Madwands' version of events happening in the SnS stories, look for the author name of Prince-Consort Tesser. It is my husband's profile. All trolling will be sacrificed to the Great Cthulhu (or at least to L'il Cuthy the Plushie who lives over the monitor on the desk hutch).

If you don't like it, don't read it.

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Snips and Spirals Fanfic:

"Subtle Hints"

Text by Lady Tesser

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PART ONE

The gigantic black owl announced its presence with the backlash of wind from its twenty-foot wing-span.

The fact everyone's breakfasts were interrupted made it not-too-welcomed at Slytherin table.

The Owl ambled up to the shocked students and raised a thick, horny leg toward Britomartis Vox where a parchment had been tied to it.

"Sure this is for me?" she asked.

"HOO," the owl answered in a basso-profundo affirmative.

She glanced up at Sev through her sunglasses, then bent down to untie the note from its leg. Everyone watched the procedure with interest.

"Do you want any payment?" she asked.

The huge black owl - taller than her while she sat - cocked its head, then craned forward and devoured hers, Sev's, and Fallon's breakfasts. After it was finished, it spread its wings in the aisle then took off in the air again, departing through the skylights, leaving behind it a mass of disordered hair and splattered food from the backdraft of its wings.

"What the hells was that?" Severus Snape asked. "And what did it give you?"

"It was a giant owl," she answered as she unrolled the parchment. "With notes in what might be your handwriting." She read;

'My beloved Martis,

It's become more difficult these nights to fall asleep

without imagining you with me, next to me, your warm

breath and skin against mine, your long hair all over

the place, your eyes still slit in ecstasy, breathing and

moaning as I - '

She read the rest of the letter with mild interest while she locked her thighs together and was glad the sunglasses covered up her very wide eyes. When she reached the signature ('Always, eternally, Severus'), she rolled the letter back up and handed it to Sev.

"That's very thoughtful of you, Snips," she said. "But I doubt you're ready for such advanced training."

Sev's brows knotted in puzzlement as he accepted the scroll and read it. He blushed up to his hairline and did not look up until he had finished reading and rolled it back up again. "You do know I did not write this."

"Of course I know. Your handwriting isn't that spidery." She reached for an apple from the fruitbowl and tossed it from one hand to the other. "I think the twins are trying to get us together again."

Sev nodded. "They could at least be more subtle about it. I would not refer to ... " He blushed again, then muttered, "Well, as ... you know."

"Of course not, you're too proper. And 'hoppi-hoppa' is distinctly a Vox Girl Term for 'love making'. Only my sisters and I have ever used that word. Definitely them."

The black owl descended from the skylight again, this time landing next to them and offering its leg to Sev to untie another scroll.

"Oh, go ahead, Snips, this is probably the love note from me to you."

"I'm really getting sick of your sisters doing this. The dragon during the weekend was enough." He looked up at the owl. "You ate our food, now what payment do you want?"

It snatched the apple out of Martis' hand with its large curved beak and crushed the apple before swallowing it. It settled near them and watched the two students.

"Come on, come on," Martis giggled. "What does it say?"

Sev finished reading the note, then handed the parchment to her. "They have you casting blank-verse poetry at me."

"Fighting dirty, eh?" She accepted the parchment and read:

'My Dark Prince

My winged Knight

The man who comes to me

in the night

My darling love

my only one

The man I'll sleep with

when day is done

Let passion rise

Let passion fly

With my prince

I shall lie

I am yours

and you are mine

Lovers til the end of time

Always yours, forever, Martis'

"Snips, that is truly and utterly horrifying, and they put my name on it!"

"Shall we string them up in the Owlery with their monster owl?"

Martis giggled, pocketing the letter from 'him'. "I have an idea. Fallon, do you have your notebook and quill with you?"

"Always," the First-Year answered, handing the items over to Martis. The Third-Year quickly scratched out a note, pausing only once to look up at the enchanted ceiling, then finished with a flourish. She ripped the paper out of the notebook.

"Here's my response," she said, handing it to Sev.

Sev read the note:

'My darling Snips,

Thank you for the invitation and preview of events,

but I must decline, as I am running away with

Headmaster Dumbledore and having his love-child.

Take care.

Love,

Spirals'

Sev giggled. "You got that from Mori, didn't you?"

"She inspired the fictional incident, yes."

Sev took the notebook and quill from her. "My turn." He scratched out another note quickly, then tore it out and showed it to her.

'My beloved Spirals,

Blank-verse poetry turns my stomach. You have

forced me to take up a torrid affair with James

Potter, who is begging to have my love-child over

Sirius Black's vocal objections. Better luck with

Hagrid.

Love,

Snips'

Martis broke into giggling fits. "That'll learn them to mess with us in such a puerile fashion!" She turned to the large owl. "Here, take these back to whomever strapped those notes to you." She tied the new lovenotes to the owl's thick leg, then ducked as the wings spread out and the owl took off into the air.

"We'll know who it is by the screaming," Sev stated.

"It's the twins, no doubt about it."

The bell rang for classes and students got up.

"Well, I'll see you for lunch," Martis said, hugging him around the waist. "Don't let Kettleburn catch you."

"The Maraudiots are too busy doing stupid things to get his attention - I'm safe."

They parted ways in the hall and dashed to their classes. Martis pulled the letter out of her robe pocket and read it again as she walked. A silly grin crossed her face and she murmured, "Well, I can 'imagine' this was from him ... "

----------

Sev entered his Care of Magical Creatures class deep in thought.

He knew the twins were not behind the forged notes. And he was now quite certain they were not behind the kidnapping and the dragon two days ago. These tactics were not them. They were covering up -

No, they were being used. Somebody - call them X - had used them (Memory Charms, most likely) to throw him and Martis off-track of the real conspirators.

He was back to square one again, and he could not tell Martis. If she thought somebody else was trying to do this, she would fall apart; best to let her think the twins are pulling silly games.

But he had to find out who X was, before his guard slipped and he did pull her to the ground while whomever it was got their way.

He had two opponents here - the Mysterious X, and himself. And both opponents wanted the same thing.

Fortunately, Severus Snape did not know how to fight to lose.

----------

The Marauders were walking funny towards the Great Hall when they saw Martis and Sev approaching from the other direction.

"How did you do it?" Sirius Black gasped in a high pitched voice.

"Beg pardon?" both asked.

"Wedgied all of us!" James Potter added.

Martis lowered her sunglasses and gazed at them. "Wedgy-ing is quite below us."

Peter Pettigrew - whose underwear band was pulled right over his forehead - stated in a painfully squeaky voice, "It had to be you two! Who else could get us like this?!"

Martis counted off on her fingers. "Two-year-old girl-babies, drunken puffskeins, blind confunded doxies, ninety percent of all Village Idiots, that moron in Charms who accidentally changed herself into a boy -"

Remus Lupin finally doubled over and whimpered. Black tried to grab for Martis, but Sev placed himself between them.

Black snarled, "I'm going to kill you both when I'm done fishing cotton out of my - !"

Sev raised his wand in Black's face. "She and I were nowhere near there, Sillyass Prat."

"Liar!" Potter cried. "You even cast a spell called the 'Ninja Centaur Wedgie of Doom'!"

Martis pulled her sunglasses off to make sure they saw her roll her eyes. "Proof enough, Gryffettes - would either of us REALLY create a spell with that incantation?"

The Marauders groaned in pain, falling to the stone floor in front of the Great Hall. Martis and Sev carefully stepped over them (Pettigrew commenting he was in too much pain to ogle up Martis' skirt, which got him a kick in the head from Sev) and entered the Great Hall.

The twins ran up to them; Adonia asked, "Did you like the notes?"

Martis swatted them with her sunglasses. "I would appreciate it if you would not write blank-verse poetry in my name!"

"It rhymed, a little," Artemisia remarked.

"Which one of you wrote the love letter?" Sev asked disdainly.

"We both did," Adonia answered. "Although, admittedly, we based it on something Fred Holden had sent to Arti."

Sev snorted, "I don't know what half of those things meant, anyway, so that was one thing you did wrong." He smirked, "Did you like the responses?"

The twins looked at each other, then shrugged. "Uh, yeah, funny," Artemisia remarked.

Sev was now positive the twins were being used. They were surprised to hear that there were responses.

"All right, Snape," Adonia said. "But you're really missing out by not finding out with Baby Sister - "

"Will you two cut it out?" Martis demanded. "When I do hoppi-hoppa stuff with Snips, I'll do it on my own without you two!"

Perhaps the wrong thing to say, as Professors Penderdandis and McGonagall walked by them. Penderdandis pretended to ignore what he heard while McGonagall turned completely white and could not speak.

Sev silently pulled Martis to Slytherin tables with him and began to worry. He silently worried so much, he did not notice Durmstrang Champion Igor Karkaroff slipping in on the other side of the table.

Martis immediately noticed because Igor reached for her hand while she drank. "Miss Vox, may I compliment you on your Quidditch playing this weekend and that I shall give you the honor of being my companion - "

She sputtered pumpkin juice all over him, making Sev pay attention. "I beg your pardon, Mr. Karkaroff, WHAT line of bullshit were you about to spin at me?"

Sev's wand fell into his hand below the table.

Igor dabbed at the pumpkin juice on his face with dignity. "I had assumed the direct method of gaining your attention was the best way, but it seems I was mistaken."

"At least this one didn't grab your chest," Sev muttered.

"Yes, poor Rudy, but Sneerius Prat set up that one." She narrowed her eyes at Igor. "Forget it, Karkaroff, get lost."

"Can't blame a fellow for trying," he admitted, getting up and going to another part of the table.

"Yes I can," Sev said coldly. "It's very easy." (Great,) he thought. (Now I have to teach this piece of flobberworm excrement a lesson. Oh, well, good excuse as any to blast him.)


	2. Part Two

PART TWO

November was growing to be bitterly cold and windy, the sky already taking on a slate gray shield over the sky. Medusa barely stirred in her terrarium and Martis had to get used to not hauling the snake around her shoulders again.

No more notes brought by the giant owl the next day, but Martis and Sev and a crowd of other students saw a group of trash cans bouncing down the stairs past them on their way up to the third floor.

"Seems our 'Trash Can-Fu' artist is up to his pranks again," Martis commented.

"Hopefully they're not wearing my face as a mask this time," Sev remarked.

A figure in black with gold and scarlet trim on his trousers flashed by them on a broom. "Take that, you smegheads!" the boy jeered at the cans as he disappeared around a landing. "FOR THE GLORY AND THE HONOR OF THE HOUSE OF SNAPE!"

Martis and Sev glanced at each other, then thundered down the stairs after the figure and the trash cans. Several other students followed them.

"Wait!"

"Come back here!"

"Who the hells are you??"

"Stop!"

By the time they reached the ground floor, the Marauders were crawling out of the trash cans and collapsing on the floor; their robes were missing, but they were still in their under-uniforms. The dark figure was nowhere to be seen.

"What the Avernus happened??" Martis demanded.

Potter rolled over on his back, staring at them upside-down and through one cracked lens of his glasses. He weakly pointed at them. "Ask Snape ... he did this ... "

Sev raised an eyebrow. "Perhaps it was my Good Twin again?"

Lupin groaned and held his stomach. "I told you guys not to gang up on him."

Black snorted, one of his eyes blackened. "He was the one not wearing a uniform; he needed to be taught a lesson."

Sev narrowed his eyes. "I always wear the school uniform, Sneerius; unlike yourselves with your robes missing."

"You transfigured our robes into the trash cans, you git!" Pettigrew squeaked. "Don't play innocent in front of your girlfriend with the bigguns!"

The Marauders received a collective hex for Pettigrew's stupidity.

----------

"This is getting ridiculous," Sev stated as he and Martis ascended the stairs to the Conversation Room. "This Trash Can-Fu person is now trying to get me into trouble for beating up the Maraudiots when I didn't get to in the first place!"

"Quite obvious, especially with that battle cry," Martis agreed.

"There is no glory and there is no honor in the House of Snape," Sev snarled. "Whoever this bastard is, he's also insulting me!"

"I think there's honor," Martis said softly. "You're the only one with it, but you do have honor."

He turned to her, pausing in the stairwell. He hesitantly offered his hand, and she accepted it, smiling up at him.

"If I could cry at the moment, I think I would."

"No need to cry over truth, my Snips." Martis climbed up closer to him and kissed his forehead. "Now, let's figure out how we're going to catch this imposter!"

Sev smirked. "I like it when you talk evil."

Sev distinctly felt a hand on his back push him into Martis. He stumbled a bit, trying to keep his balance by grabbing onto the nearest thing as Martis automatically braced herself against the wall.

"Severus ... " she gasped.

"I was pushed." He looked around wildly.

"Severus, your ... hands ... "

Sev looked down to see what he had grabbed onto to keep his balance.

One hand had grasped the sweater over her breast while the other hand had her shoulder pinned to the wall.

"Eep!" he commented calmly as he jerked his hands away. "Sorry!" His eyes widened in panic. "I swear, I wasn't trying to do anything! I really was pushed!"

"Calm down, Sev," Martis chided gently. "No use panicking."

"It is when there's some imposter around and I'm shoved into you by unseen forces!"

Both screeched as they were suddenly thrown away from each other - Sev down the stairs and Martis against the other wall.

"Severus! Are you all right??"

"I'm going to kill them - I'm going to disembowel them, then I'm going to explode them into red mist! Then after the warm-ups I'll TORTURE them!"

Martis got up and began to descend the stairs toward him.

"Ow!" Sev cried. "What is that?"

Martis felt something 'in her way', a gradually-increasing pushing force between herself and Sev, like a static field created by scuffing shoes on a carpet, but more intense. She experimentally leaned forward, taking her weight off her feet. "Whoa ... "

"Martis?" Sev looked up, seeing her leaning forward about six feet away from him and not supported by anything.

"Don't know, but it's a neat effect." Her expression turned serious. "But I'm not able to reach you."

Sev got up and reached up toward her. "Right. I feel a force of some sort in your direction."

"Which one of us has a Bubble Charm over their whole body?"

"Not cast." Sev narrowed his eyes. "Spirals, your hair is sticking out."

She reached up and felt her hair, feeling it raising up under her hands. "That's weird."

"Static," Sev blurted.

Martis snapped her fingers. "Exactly!" She paused. "If we're repelling each other, then that means we're both similarly charged."

Sev stared at her. "How do you know that?"

"Dion is studying Muggle science and physics, he told me last summer." She casually lounged against the magnetic field as her hair floated even higher (quite impressive since it was over four feet long). "It doesn't really matter which type of polarity, but the fact that as long as we're both charged like this, there's no way we can get close."

Sev snarled. "Oh, Dion," he said cooly. "Of course. Dion."

Martis was surprised for a moment, then smiled. "No need to worry, My Snips. He follows me around like a puppy, blathering to get my attention. I don't drape myself all over him like I do with you. And I certainly never ever talk sexy to him."

"I wasn't worried," Sev replied, his cool tone betrayed by the grin that threatened to split his face open. "I was just puzzled by these static fields." He stepped toward Martis, who cried out 'Whoopsie!' and scrambled to keep her balance. "How did they get here? Did we walk across a flock of sheep without noticing?"

"Or someone put it here," Martis said, her brain now speculating. "This is pretty sophisticated - I've never even heard of a spell to manipulate static electricity. Or electricity at all."

"And why cast it like this - to repel each other?" A candle flickered above Sev's head.

A similar one blossomed above Martis' head.

As one they proclaimed, "KARKAROFF!"

"It fits!" Martis said. "He would want me away from you!"

"And he's a Durmstrang student," Sev snarled. "No doubt he's learned all sorts of unwholesome ways to defile nature."

"Now how do we get out of this?" Martis pondered.

"If we touch a doorknob or something - "

"- we blast ourselves. Can you imagine how powerful this field must be?"

Sev nodded. "But like this, we're kept apart ... "

They both leaned against empty air, pondering the riddle of how to get out of this trap without blasting themselves.

----------

Slytherin was puzzled as Martis entered the common room first with her knee-length blonde hair sticking up all over the place and her clothes clinging to her body in odd ways.

They were just as confused when Sev entered a few minutes later, his own clothes clinging to his small frame and the ends of his hair flipped up.

They watched as both moved to opposite sides of the common room away from each other.

One of the Quidditch team members finally commented, "I didn't think that sort of thing caused THAT much static."

"Shut your hole," Sev growled.

"Fallon, we need your help," Martis said.

The eleven-year-old Irish girl got up. "You look like a dandelion puff." She poked the hair, which shocked her a little. "Neat!"

"We need you to open doors to get outside. We're statically charged enough to get blasted if we try to do it ourselves."

Fallon nodded. "Good enough reason." She left the room with Martis, and Sev waited until both were through the door before following.

"Snape," Evan Ryper asked. "What's going on? And what's with the hair?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you." Then he left as well.

----------

"Spells for electricity, eh?" Fallon remarked as she and Martis descended the stairs. "By the Fires of Brigid, whomever did this is brilliant."

"Whoever did it is going to get their intestines wrapped around their throat," Martis retorted. "Although we think this is Karkaroff's doing."

"The Durmstrang champion?" She paused. "Oh, yeah, didn't he try to put the moves on you yesterday?"

"Yes, him."

Sev snorted behind them.

Fallon smirked. "I was going to offer to hose him off. Flitwick just taught us what we call the 'water pistol charm'."

"Thanks, but we'll take care of him ourselves." Martis pulled her wand out and checked over the surface. "I don't know what effect it will have, but it should be interesting to see if this can be discharged through a spell."

Fallon opened the doors leading to the outside of the school. "It might ruin your wand."

"True." She put her wand away. "Perhaps we can try to choke him at once and it'll discharge into him?"

"We can't get that close to each other," Sev piped up.

"Then we'll take turns - it'll be worth the blast!"

Fallon piped up with, "How close are you able to get to each other?"

"About six feet is the closest we can get without the repulsive force being unbearable." Martis paused. "You can go back to the castle. We can manage from here."

"No, it's boring back in the common room, I need a laugh." She snorted. "Besides, Karkaroff doesn't smell right."

"I know, his eyes are cold."

Fallon nodded. "Pretty hair, nice mouth, but cold eyes."

Sev snorted again.

"You're too young to be talking like that," Martis informed her.

Fallon smirked. "You're too blind to see what's around you."

"Excuse me," Sev stated. "But there's the Durmstrang ship."

"All right, Fallon," Martis said. "You may want to stay out of the blast radius."

"No problem." The girl ran for one of the trees.

Standing exactly six feet apart, Martis yelled, "HEY! Can you send Igor Karkaroff out here?!"

"We would like a word with him!" Sev added.

Vladimir Jovonovich appeared on the deck. "He's indisposed right now - "

"Tell him to get out here now or we'll start hexing this rickety bucket of a ship!"

Vladimir nodded and retreated below deck.

Sev turned to Martis. "That's crude of you, Spirals."

"If I don't get my hug quotient in today, I'll become nastier."

"You may cause an incident between the schools."

"And this means what to me?"

Igor Karkaroff appeared, bundled into a heavy wool dressing gown. "Who wishes to - ? Oh, Mr. Snape and -" he smirked a little "- Panni Vox."

"'Panni'?" Martis asked. "Should I be insulted?"

"Polish for 'miss'," Sev answered, then yelled up at the Durmstrang champion, "Karkaroff, we need some questions answered."

Igor nodded, carefully making his way down the gangplank in bare feet. "Pardon my appearance, but I was merely napping and your demand to see me - "

As he stepped into the chill grass, Martis was the first: "Ever worked with electrical spells?"

"Quite unnatural spellwork, you know," Sev added.

"Ever use them on anyone?"

"Like us."

"Know how to get rid of them?"

"Without endangering Miss Vox."

"Why aren't you answering us?"

"He knows what he did."

"What have you got to say?"

"Make it quick."

Igor - completely poleaxed by the rapid-fire see-saw questions and comments from the two Hogwarts students - tried to calm them down in his best mediator fashion. "Snape - my dear Miss Vox - please calm yourselves and we'll straighten this - !" His hands reached out to clasp their shoulders in a friendly overture.

Instead, the electrical charge from both blasted outward and into him and crackled like thunder, allowing a quick discharge into the ground through his bare feet and knocking him several yards away along the shore of the lake.

Martis and Sev had also been knocked off their feet, flying only a few feet back toward the school.

"Ow," Martis understated, not moving.

"Never felt that before," Sev commented. "Not even from my father."

"My teeth feel loose. Can you move?"

"Ask me when I'm numb rather than dead."

Martis forced her twitching muscles to roll her body over to him. "All right, I can see I'm cuddled against you but I can't feel it. We should be able to move and feel in a few minutes to an hour."

He shifted his eyes to look at her. "Your hair doesn't look like a dandelion puff anymore."

Fallon ran up to them, leaning over in their lines of sight. "You guys should have seen it from this angle - it was like a ball of lightning going off!"

"Can you get us to the school, Fallon?" Martis asked. "We might be implicated in the death of Karkaroff if we stick around here."

"He's not dead," Fallon assured her. "He's just unconscious from the shock." She hesitantly picked up Martis' hand, then pulled the girl up on one side. "I'll be back for you in a minute, Snape. You two are damned lucky I'm used to hauling around dead weights."

"Hurry up, O'Shanahan," Sev snapped. "Before the Durmstrang students find out what happened."

Fallon took off with Martis and Sev stared up at the slate gray sky. (That ought to teach that uppity weasel not to mess with my Martis.)

----------

That evening, after regaining muscular control again, Sev took a warm shower after reports had circulated during dinner about the Durmstrang champion being struck by lighting. One of the Durmstrang students had mentioned seeing two Hogwarts students wanting to talk to Karkaroff, but he could not tell who they were.

Sev dried and dressed, then entered his dorm room and finished combing his hair, which fluffed up as it dried.

"Damned side-effects," he muttered.

Thomas St. Claire appeared in the mirror beside him. "FEEL the power of the 'FRO, my brother!"

Sev shrieked, then turned and glared at his roommate. "Do you mind???"

"Object to having an Afro, Snape?"

"No, I just don't care to have people suddenly appearing besides me." Sev grumbled then clutched a handful of hair. "I look stupid."

"True, you really can't carry off a 'Fro - your European features can't convey the Majesty of the Afro properly." Thomas grinned, taking the hair pick out of his own. "But if you need any help in accessing the power of your 'Fro, don't hesitate to ask."

"Right," Sev agreed. "What can I use this for?"

"Store your wand, man." Thomas reached in and withdrew his own cherry wand. "Plus the hair oil keeps your wand in good shape."

"I doubt my grease would do much good for my wand."

He stuck his wand back inside his hair. "And the ladies know the Afro is a sign of virility."

Sev stared at him. "I can't believe we're having this conversation."

----------


	3. Part Three

PART THREE

Wednesday dawned in a obscenely sunny manner.

Sev noted this fact as he left the building to go to the greenhouses because a headful of crazy red hair backlit by the sun came into his line of vision.

"Excuse me," Sev commented, trying to move around the girl in the middle of the walkway.

She suddenly spun around, seeming to step right in front of him, and caused him to bump into her.

Sev pulled away. "Sorry."

She was petite, wore a Hufflepuff uniform, and had freckles all over her face. Round glasses emphasized chocolate brown eyes which were full of enough character and intelligence to make him stare.

"You're - Severus Snape, aren't you?" she remarked.

"I have the unfortunate luck to be given that name, yes," Sev replied, moving around her to continue on to his classes. "If you're here to complain about the purging done to your house, I was merely the catalyst in that."

"No," she said, grabbing the sleeve of his robe. His fluffy hair whipped up in a stray breeze from across the moors. "I just wanted to tell you I think you're incredibly cute and I want to date you."

Sev gazed at her through narrow eyes, his nostrils flaring. "If I had a sense of humor, I may find that funny. However, give up this game so I can retain my dignity and you can retain your face, little girl." With that, he swept away to his Herbology class, fuming about girls' ideas of jokes.

----------

It was not until that afternoon when the redheaded girl showed up again, this time as Sev and Martis were walking around the Quad and discussing the Triwizard Tournament.

"Hi, Sevvie," the redheaded girl lilted.

Sev's expression of distaste was matched by Martis' expression of amusement.

"Go away," Sev snorted.

"Who's that?" Martis asked as they continued walking on.

"Some stupid bint who's trying to make a fool of me."

The girl ran up behind him. "Severus Snape, I'm in love with you!"

Sev shrieked and Martis turned around. "Who the Avernus are you?"

"Me?" she asked. "Um ... Ginny Weasley. Yeah, that's it."

"Well, Ginny Weasley, you must know that if you intend to have your way with Snips, you must be screened by me so you know what you're getting into by being part of his life."

"SPIRALS!" Sev exclaimed.

"Hush, Snips. This First-Year upstart thinks she actually has a chance with you."

"I'm Fourth-Year!" the girl huffed. "I'm just ... extra-petite." She scowled. "Especially compared to you."

Martis rounded on 'Ginny' and thunked her in the middle of the forehead with a finger. "What makes you think you're worthy of the Dark Prince of Slytherin?"

"Basic theory."

"I beg your pardon?"

"The Law of Opposites. Didn't you study your Basic Magical Physics classes or do those things cause brain damage? 'Opposites attract'. Which leads into the Law of Synthesis - 'Two opposites will balance to make a greater whole'." She dodged around Martis and hugged Sev. "It's a Law of Nature!"

"Get off!" Sev snapped, struggling out of her arms.

Insulting her figure, her intelligence, and glomping onto Snips - something had to be done.

Martis grabbed a handful of the girl's wild red hair and yanked - hard - dragging her away from Sev. "I don't know what your game is, skinny-girl, but you just earned yourself a beating! NOBODY glomps onto Snips but ME!"

The squealing girl-child suddenly straightened out her arm, her tiny fist hitting Martis in the kidney. The blow made Martis let go, and she was still shouting when the girl's forearm hit the back of her knees, making Martis fall back onto the grass.

As Martis got back to her feet, Ginny dashed back to Sev and glomped him again. "Well, you didn't see us by the greenhouses earlier. He expressed his true feelings for me!"

Sev, aggravated by both the glomping and the sight of Martis on the ground, exclaimed, "YOU NASTY LITTLE TOADSTOOL!" He shoved her away and pulled his wand. He opened his mouth to incant a particularly horrid curse -

And she started to cry: "WAAAAAAAHHHHH!! YOU BRUTE OF A SNAPE! WAAAAAHHHHH!!!"

Suddenly, there were students standing around. They saw Martis and Sev - Sev with his wand drawn - standing together, with a little Hufflepuff girl on the ground crying.

"My god, Snape!" a Gryffindor boy cried. "What are you doing to that poor child?!"

An older student bent down and checked her for injuries. "Oh, you poor little girl!"

Ginny pointed to Sev and sobbed, "He - he - OH IT'S TOO HORRIBLE FOR WORDS!!"

From out of the crowd came the call, "You bastards!"

For the first time in his life (but, he suspected, not the last), Severus Snape was surrounded by the beginnings of an Angry Mob. Martis automatically set her back against his, drawing her own wand out.

"Didn't I say something about always being at the other's back?" she commented.

Out of the noise of the mob came the barking laugh of Sirius Black: "Hey, Snivellus, having to pick on little Hufflepuffs now??"

The crowd parted, knowing the Marauders would take care of the Slytherin troublemakers, and the four Gryffindors made their way toward Martis and Sev.

"Hey, what's going on?" Remus Lupin asked in his 'Prefect' tone.

"Snips and Spirals were attacking this poor little girl!" someone yelled.

Martis stepped from behind Sev and stared down at Black, who was still a few inches taller than her. "She glomped onto Severus!"

"Nice try, Brito-tart-is, but everybody knows no girls want that greasy, slimy, ugly git." He leered down at her as he folded his arms. "What shall we do with little disgusting snakes like you?"

Sev raised his wand, but was tackled by James Potter and Peter Pettigrew. They pinned him to the ground and snatched his wand out of his hand.

Ginny crawled off into the crowd of robes around the group.

Martis raised her hand, the palm glowing golden. "Tell your boy-toys to release Severus, or I'll be forced to use magic without my wand."

Black remained uncowed. "No. You brought this on yourselves - "

A quiet voice somewhere in the crowd said, "Septua Dissimulo."

A mist of white light fell over the group, then faded away to reveal ... weirdness.

Sev and Martis were the same, but the Marauders were ... changed.

Remus Lupin was now suddenly wearing bell bottom jeans, a white turtleneck, a fringed leather vest, and Birkenstocks.

Sirius Black was clad in white polyester bell bottom trousers and vest, a wing-collar paisley shirt open to his navel, black cuban heels, and gold chains.

Peter Pettigrew was sporting a rainbow plaid three piece suit, bright blue shirt with wing-collar, and white shoes and belt.

James Potter looked quite uncomfortable in a skintight leotard with was half black and half white and showed off his chest.

Martis covered her mouth to suppress a giggle and Sev shook his head in pity, causing his fluffy black hair to fly around.

"Oh, Gods, I look QUEER!"

"This is SO ugly!"

"The Muggler struck again!"

"I could go hang-gliding in these things!"

"Lily! Don't look! I'm disgusting!"

"You always were disgusting, Prongs."

"Shut up, Disco Queen!"

"Take that back, you prancing ponce!"

The collected students forgot about the Slytherins and fell to the ground in laughter at the Marauders as Black and Potter began to scuffle.

Akiko Mori waved her wand at Sev and Martis and both ran after her during the distraction. When the three had finally entered the Dungeons, Sev finally said, "Mori, YOU'RE the Muggler?? The fiend that's been plaguing Diagon Alley the past summer??"

The Seventh-Year Slytherin nodded, grinning cutely. "Of course I was the Muggler!" She snorted. "While the Diagon Alley residents were looking for a group of British boy wizards, a Japanese witch went completely under their noses. Have to love cultural blinders."

"But how did you - ?"

"It's the spell I designed for my Charms' NEWT. I knew about the costume charm for a couple of years, and I designed one that reflected current Muggle fashions - hence the 'Septua' part of the spell. If I wanted them in 1950's Muggle fashions, it would have been 'Quintua' or the like."

Sev grinned. "I'm impressed."

Martis rubbed her hip over her kidney. "That little bitch hits hard."

"What little bitch?" Akiko asked.

"The one that got us into trouble and almost started an angry mob on us," Sev answered. "Redheaded Hufflepuff called Ginny Weasley."

"She was glomping onto Snips and saying they're meant to be or some crap like that," Martis growled. "I was about to give her a nice beating, but I didn't expect a Hufflepuff to fight dirty."

"Haven't you been listening to the news of the Hufflepuff Purge?" Akiko said. "Liquor stills, gambling rings, some Sixth and Seventh Years running a Call-Witch Ring out of their Floos - right now, nothing a Hufflepuff does would surprise me. They're beginning to make us Slytherins look good."

"Yay for us," Sev deadpanned.

Martis suddenly burst into giggles. "So I suppose the girls using the Floo Network for their Call-Witch business are called 'Floo-zies'."

Akiko and Sev paused and stared at her, then zapped her fluffy hair back up into a dandelion puff.

----------

Later on that evening, Akiko entered their shared dorm room where Martis was working on an essay at her desk.

"I looked and asked around for you," Akiko said as she plopped onto her bed.

Fallon continued to sketch out a particularly intricate Celtic knot. "So, what color underpants does Evan wear?"

"Not you, Lolita - Spirals."

Martis glanced up from her essay. "About what?"

"Ginny Weasley of Hufflepuff - there's no such person."

"Then is she Gryffindor or Ravenclaw?"

"Neither. There are only five redheads in Hufflepuff this year - four are older, one's a First-Year guy. Ravenclaw and Gryffindor don't have any twelve or younger redheaded girls. And I managed a sneak at McGonagall's student body records - there is no one here by the name of Weasley at this time; the last one was an Arthur Weasley, but that was about ten years back."

"An unregistered student?"

"Hardly. You know how McGonagall is with records."

"Then maybe she's Durmstrang or Beauxbatons?"

"Beauxbatons," Fallon suggested. "From how you were describing the way she was molesting Snape, she has to be French." She smirked. "They like big noses."

"Then she must be a tiny Seventh-Year," Akiko remarked. "Because the other schools sent only Final-Year students for the Tournament."

"No, she was definitely First - maybe Second - Year. Flat as a board." Martis cleared her throat. "No offense, Aki."

"None taken." Akiko smirked. "Watermelons-smuggler."

The girls giggled, but Martis had a sinking feeling. Another girl had targeted her Snips ... and he was going to get stomped on again. Best to give him no reason to succumb.

She pulled out another parchment and wrote: 'Madame Hortense - Please accept this payment for three red roses and have them sent by owl to Severus Snape, Hogwarts. Enclose a message with this one: "S and S forever and always". Thanks. Britomartis Vox'

Martis dropped a few sickles into a bag, tied the note to it and asked, "Aki, may I borrow your owl?"

"Sure."

She handed the package to the owl and stated, "Madame Hortense's Flower Shop." The owl took off out the window of Slytherin girls' tower.

Fallon grinned. "If you keep sending roses to Snape like that, he's going to assume something's up."

"Well, it has to be known that he's off-limits to tramps."

"And everyone else except you," Akiko muttered.

----------


	4. Part Four

PART FOUR

Thursday morning, the owl returned with three roses and a note in its grip.

Sev looked up at Martis across from him at the table in the Great Hall. "So, you really did send this?"

"Yes, I really did."

Sev brushed back a strand of fluffy hair. "You know, in my culture, the male is supposed to give the female flowers."

"I'm not doing anything by culture, it's just something I do." She raised an eyebrow over her sunglass frames. "Although if people want to interpret it in other ways, that's their problem."

He glanced up at her, then bit his lip and looked down again. He was beginning to suspect 'Ginny Weasley' from yesterday was part of X's Conspiracy, and Martis' note with the roses (she had never sent notes with roses before) was beginning to worry him. And he had a feeling that X would approve of something like this.

The thought of censoring her expressions of affection made his gut hurt; he needed those expressions ... her touch, her hugs, her hand in his, her special ways of saying he was her friend.

This 'X' was a truly insidious enemy, to use their own innermost needs against them to fulfil his Evil Machinations - whatever they were. If he just knew who X was, Sev could confront him, discover his Evil Purpose ... and maybe agree to help in it as long as it had nothing to do with his father or his father's cronies, all things considered.

But until he knew that Purpose, he had to assume anyone attempting to manipulate him and Martis was an enemy. No matter how attractive their apparent goals.

----------

"Any signs of the creepy redheaded girl?" Martis asked later on as they made their way across the field toward the Quidditch pitch.

Sev shook his head. "No sign, which is GOOD."

"Excellent. Hope she went back to wherever she came from." She reached across and laced her fingers into his, her fingerless gloves creaking.

Sev squeezed her hand back. "She may have thought we were 'together' and decided to see if we could be 'broken up'."

Martis blinked behind her sunglasses. "Where in the world did you come up with something like that?"

"St. Claire suggested it. He says his sister and her fiance had friends trying to break them up because it was 'something to do'."

"True. That happens in my family a lot - mostly from parents who want arranged marriages for my siblings." She squeezed his hand harder. "I'll be strung up before I settle for an arranged marriage."

"Why does your family have them, anyway?"

"My family is considered 'elite' because we're one of the oldest families in the priestesshood. Plus my father's family had been advisors to the royal court for well over five hundred years."

"Aristocracy," Sev remarked. "I know what you mean."

Martis snickered. "Your bastard father talking about marrying you off?"

"No, thank the Gods of Above and Below for that. He still considers me an 'idiot apprentice' at best. But it was how my parents were married."

"Yeah, I can see why; no woman would want to lay eyes on him, much less anything else."

Sev snorted. "And what of me? Even though I'm a little worn around the edges and have the social skills of a rabid nundu, I'm a pretty good catch."

Martis smirked. "Indeed. A Dark Prince, who is a spiderweb that is too fragile for the likes of these bumbling girls."

Captain Fearghus Flynn yelled, "Come on, Spirals, get your ass over here and start practice! Snog later!"

Sev blushed and Martis stuck her tongue out. "Jealous 'cause I CAN snog him!"

Flynn made an ungentlemanly sound. "If you've seen his skinny ass in the showers like I have, you wouldn't be so quick to say that."

Sev blushed even redder.

"Snips!" Martis giggled.

"It's a guy thing, which means it totally mystifies me."

"Yeah, it's called 'male bonding'. Why I'm included in it, I have no idea." She swept around, her almost straight hair swinging around his body as she quickly kissed his other cheek and separated from him.

Martis mounted her broom and rose into the air, pulling her Beater bat out of her robe. "All right, time to practice."

Sev climbed up into the stands to watch practice and was surprised to see Igor Karkaroff sitting in Slytherin's section.

"Snape, good to see you," Igor called. "Come sit with me."

"You're not upset about two days ago?" Sev asked.

"Just released from your infirmary this afternoon. I am well, just a little ... out of it, you say?" He scooted over, allowing Sev to sit next to him. "What was all that about, anyway?"

"We thought you were up to no good, but we found out otherwise."

Igor smirked. "If I was ever up to 'no good', I would admit it. It's rather de classe - as our Beauxbatons fellows would say - to perform controversial deeds without slapping one's name on it."

Sev watched his House team practice, not looking at the seventeen-year-old. "Usually. Have you talked with Lucius Malfoy yet? He's more up your alley."

"Yes - knew him for a long time, our fathers work together on occasion."

"My condolences." Sev leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees as he plopped his chin in his hands. "His and mine are part of the Pure Blood Cult."

Igor chuckled. "Same here. Not a bad idea, all told." He leaned back, resting his elbows on the seats behind him. "So, is Panni Vox one of Us as well?"

Sev shifted his eyes, not turning his head. "What do you mean 'one of Us'?"

"Oh, Pure Blooded, I mean."

"Yes." Sev shifted his eyes back to the game. "Almost required to be to be in Slytherin. A few mixed-bloods get in, and those are the ones who are most dangerous. I once heard our House Master comment that his own Headmaster said that it was a good idea all the 'bad guys' were sorted into Slytherin because it made bookkeeping easier."

Igor released a loud belly-laugh. "At Durmstrang, you wouldn't have to worry about that; we try to remain ambiguous about our reputation as the Dark Arts school."

"But aren't you?"

"It's merely reputation. If anyone found out we really were, then we'd be flushed out and tried before the Confederation of Wizards. If one stays vague about the truth of their reputation, it fosters a sort of respect." Igor leaned forward and licked his lips. "But we could use some good Quidditch players. Like Panni Vox for example."

"There's less chance of pulling her into Durmstrang than me."

"Pity. She would brighten the school considerably."

Sev finally turned around, his face quite close to Igor's. "Forget it, Karkaroff."

"I know." His cold gray eyes seemed to become colder. "But none have resisted for long."

Sev whipped his wand out. "I - said - forget - it."

Igor rolled his eyes. "Have it your way, Snape." Sev lowered his wand. "Incidentally, when is the next Slytherin Quidditch game after this tie-breaking match?"

"We usually have a mini-match with Ravenclaw in early December."

"What's a mini-match?"

"A game played without the Seekers and Snitch. Usually played until the first team reaches fifty points."

"Sounds like good exercise."

Sev narrowed his eyes and turned back to the practice. Igor Karkaroff bore watching ... whether to protect Martis from him or throw Martis at him to distract X, he was not sure.

----------

"All right, mediocre practice, team! If we don't kick the Gryffies in the teeth during the re-match, I'll personally spank all of you!"

Demetrius and Thomas snickered while Jonas and Bill looked worriedly at their captain.

Martis and the Woot brothers made very loud raspberry sounds at Fearghus and laughed on their way down to the pitch.

Ryan elbowed his brother Keith in the gut. "I think the captain just wants an excuse to swat the Beater."

Martis made a face at them. "Yeah, I'm sure Demetrius needs some love-swats from Fearghus."

The brothers howled in laughter and Martis touched down to the pitch. She glanced back up at the cloudy sky and sighed. "It's going to rain again. Great Mother, this place is depressing."

The Woots were busy trying to make each other crash, so Martis turned back to the audience stands and waved at Sev.

She thought it was odd how Igor was sitting with Sev, but dismissed it and walked through the Slytherin entry and to the outside.

And into the arms of an older boy.

Martis looked up at him, noting the dusky skin, long wavy black hair, cleft chin, dark blue eyes, a good amount of manly stubble on his chin and cheeks, and his perfectly sculpted mouth.

"Allo, Bretomahrtes," he lilted in an outrageously thick French accent. "I am zee world's greetest lov-ar. My name eez Armand - remembeer eet, for vous will be screeming it lay-tar."

Martis quite suddenly and abruptly broke into loud hysterical giggles, snorts, and guffaws.

The older boy was not fazed by her reaction. "Vous laugh now, but I shall pozess your tight leetle backend and bouncy - "

"WHAT'S going on??" Sev demanded as he and Igor appeared from the stands.

Martis continued giggling. "This guy ... who looks like ... my cousin Spiros ... is trying to ... " She paused for a long moment to allow the new wave of laughter to taper off. " ... is trying to proposition me!"

"What?" Igor asked in confusion.

Sev raised an eyebrow. "You Voxs cannot be so distinctive-looking!"

"I em not related to vous, ma Britty bouncy-bouncy," the stranger called Armand said, his arms rounding her.

She broke into harder laughter. "Yes he does look like my cousin!" She gasped for air. "All right ... that was funny ... Thanks for the laugh. Lemme go now."

"But I em seerious! I em 'ere to seduce vous!"

"That's all I need to know," Sev stated, drawing his wand out and pointing it right at the dark stranger. "Let her go, freak."

Martis became silent and moved to leave, but found the arms around her were quite tight. Her sunglasses slipped down her nose and she gasped, "Snips!"

"Zat ez impossible, silly En'lish-type person! You're a spineless jellyfish 'ithout stones! Now go awey, before I taunt vous a se'ond time!"

The stranger did not expect the stomp on his instep from a Quidditch boot, nor did he expect the backhanded fist to the groin or the armor-enhanced elbow to the gut, which quickly crumpled him to the ground in time to get a cabbage-head hex from Sev and a nasty hex of blisters from Igor.

The spells hit at once, but the result caused a flash of blue, and instead of a blistered, cabbage-headed individual on the ground, it was the House-Elf in the Slytherin robe that had told Sev about Martis and the dragon last Saturday.

"It's YOU!" Sev shrieked.

"Yes, I am the Dark Mask - the World's Greatest Lover!" The House-Elf picked up the hem of his robe and bolted across the grounds toward the school. "AND THE FASTEST!" he shouted over his shoulder.

"COME BACK HERE, YOU LITTLE PISSANT!" Sev yelled, his wand raised. "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO SPIRALS???"

Martis and Igor followed, Martis waving her wand and yelling a Minoan war cry and Igor trying to figure out what the hells was going on.

"Well," the House-Elf yelled back to them. "First I was going to CENSORED-CENSORED-CENSORED - "

"BWAAK!" Martis cried. "YOU DIE!"

"Nobody's allowed to do that to her except me!" Sev growled.

Igor wondered aloud, "So why is it obvious it's never happened?"

"Shut up!" Sev and Martis spat at once.

"Get back here and die!"

"And be tortured for a long time!"

"No way," the House-Elf lilted, entering the school. "Toodles!"

Martis, Sev, and Igor dashed into the school and looked down the corridors to see where the House-Elf had gone.

"Bugger it!" Sev snorted. "The little bastard's gone!"

Martis paced around. "This is ridiculous! Where did that little freak come from? I bet that was the same one that kept jumping from Ravenclaw Tower last weekend!"

Igor nodded. "It was, unless all House-Elves here wear school robes and Chudley Cannons capes."

"No."

Sev withdrew from the conversation and pondered what had happened.

This House-Elf - wearing clothes and not talking like a House-Elf at all - had led him to the Forbidden Forest where the dragon held the potion-covered Martis last Saturday. This House-Elf had also been sighted on numerous occasions stealing food, yelling at the students in corridors, sang some loud garbage at the Hallowe'en Party during Martis' bull-leaping, and jumped from Ravenclaw Tower multiple times without killing itself. And just now, it had been Transfigured into a human male and attempted to seduce Martis.

The House-Elf was behind all of this??

No, the concept of a House-Elf being a Mastermind and doing all this was ludicrous. He was probably acting by X's orders.

But dressing a House-Elf? Was not the act of putting a House-Elf into clothes negating command of that House-Elf? And why did it not talk like a normal House-Elf anyway? It talked like a ... human.

A very sophisticated, intelligent House-Elf with a smartass streak.

If Sev were not so angry, he would have found the whole concept intriguing.

All right, it's about all he had to work with, but what if X and this House-Elf were working together? What would their motive be? And why trust a House-Elf with very obvious low self-control in doing something as delicate as trying to get two people together? And what was this last trick supposed to accomplish?

Sev glanced up at Martis and Igor still talking about the weird stuff they had witnessed over the past week (Igor talking about the second sighting of the tap-dancing Centaur, of which Martis knew nothing about the first), and it finally occurred to Sev what the latest attempt was about.

The way Igor gazed at her, the way his body was positioned in relation to hers, the way his eyes moved ...

Sev wanted to crack his fist across Igor's jaw but refrained. The Transfigured House-Elf failed where Igor was succeeding - getting close to Martis and making him jealous.

THAT was what the House-Elf was doing. And Sev would bet his own cauldron that the freaky redheaded girl from yesterday was also the House-Elf with another Transfiguration spell on it, and trying to make Martis jealous that time.

If he could catch the House-Elf, he could force it to tell him where his Master is. He needed to study up on the effects of Veritaserum on House-Elves, but he was quite sure he could make the little toad talk.

No, too risky. He needed something that would get X's attention and act desperate.

Something that would ruin X's plans.

----------

During dinner, Sev scratched out a note under the table and pressed it into Martis' hand. Puzzled, she glanced at Sev for an indication of what he was doing, and he remained concentrated on his dinner.

She opened the note in her lap and read: 'Spirals, the mysterious persons who kidnapped you weren't your sisters - it was someone else and they're still harassing us.'

She picked up the quill between their seats and scratched out: 'Who?'

He accepted the note back, read, then answered in the note: 'Unknown, but I intend to find out.'

'You mean the static and the redhead and the House-Elf?'

'And the lovenotes - all part of their plan to get us "together".'

'They're stupid. What shall we do?'

'We need to make them desperate enough to show themselves. We'll need to fight and make it look like a "break-up".'

She took a long moment to answer. 'But we're not even "together".'

'Rhetorically, Spirals. Shall I start the fight or you?'

She smirked as she wrote. 'We both will. If what you say is true, then it should be something that should make them very desperate. Here's what we'll do - '

Sev read her plan, then blushed, and chuckled under his breath. He responded with: 'The idea is rude, crude, and socially unacceptable, especially in Slytherin. I shall do my utmost duty and set a Protection Spell off to make sure.'

'That's my Snips! We may get into a bit of trouble with Penderdandis and Price, but we'll find out who these creeps are!'

Sev transfigured the note into an Ice Mice candy and stuffed it in his mouth, getting rid of the evidence of their plot.

Tomorrow morning, the mysterious X was going to get gray hair.

----------


	5. Part Five

PART FIVE

Sev got up, showered, and dressed. Combing his hair, he was pleased that it was stick-straight again, which meant it would be greasy by the end of breakfast.

He rehearsed the scene he was to play out in his head, trying to determine what would be the best shock factor that would get tongues wagging all over the school within ten minutes of inception. He knew Penderdandis would slap a detention on him and that his roommates were going to try to jump him, but those were trivial. He HAD to find out who and why these persons were setting them up.

He felt his stomach tense as the scene played itself out in his head again. He hoped the Protection Spells worked, or else the prank would go off in directions he was not quite ready to contemplate yet.

Sev made his way downstairs and entered the common room, finding Martis by the window open to the interior of the lake. Striding across the room, he was next to her in less than two seconds.

"Here," she breathed, pressing a notebook to his side. "A way for us to communicate."

Sev opened the notebook, the inside cover reading, 'Instant Message Notebook', and he grinned as he placed it in his robe. His arms drew around her and he breathed into her ear, "Ready, Spirals?"

"Ready, Snips." She began wriggling out of his grip.

Sev narrowed his eyes. "What's the matter?" he asked aloud.

"I'm not in the mood," Martis answered clearly enough for everyone to hear as she pulled away from him.

"You never objected before."

"Don't touch me!"

Everyone was now staring at the duo, surprised by what was going on.

Sev cupped her chin, making her stare up at him. "You've been leading me on all this time, Miss Vox, what do you think I was supposed to think?"

"Leading you on, Mr. Snape? You didn't ask my permission!"

"Permission to do THIS - ?" His hands cupped her breasts and his mouth dove for her neck -

Not only was there a shower of ice water, there was also two Quidditch players that tackled Sev and sat on him.

Evan Ryper approached and demanded, "What the HELLS is going on, Snape??"

Martis broke into tears and wailed, "He - he tried to - !"

Akiko and Fallon had pulled Martis into a hug, trying to calm her down, while someone went to get Penderdandis.

Sev snarled, "What do you expect me to do, be a eunuch ALL the time, especially after the way she was flirting with Igor Karkaroff??"

"Still no excuse to not be a gentleman, Snape," Evan remarked harshly.

"Shut your hole!"

Penderdandis entered the room, saw Sev pinned under two Quidditch players, Martis crying, and asked, "Do I want to know the details or the highlights?"

----------

By the time breakfast started, the news of Severus Snape trying to force his attentions on Britomartis Vox had circulated many times into a story of abuse, molestation, and a vat of chocolate pudding somehow being involved.

Official version was that Snape took something the wrong way and that Vox was not quite ready for it.

Whatever it was, Sev ended up with three days' detention with Penderdandis, complete shunning by his House, unofficially kicked out of his dormroom, and not able to be close to Martis for the whole time.

It was going to be a crappy weekend if X does not rise to the bait.

----------

The Marauders spent the afternoon in the Library, doing research and studying, but also making fun of various other students.

"So it really happened," Potter said, carving a heart and the initials 'JP' and 'LE' inside it on his Transfigurations textbook. "Snivellus and Vox had officially split."

Black sprawled in his chair, his feet on the library table. "It means we won't be tossed down stairs in trash cans. Still need to pay him back for those trips he sent us on."

"Maybe we should wedgy him then toss him down the stairs in a trash can?" Pettigrew suggested. "Covers it all, don't it, Padfoot?"

"Just about." Black smirked. "Of course, this also means Brito-tart-is is no longer his bitch."

"So?" Lupin asked cautiously.

Black's smirk turned up another notch of evilness. "I think it's about time I tried to pursue the busty snake of Slytherin."

Potter laughed. "'Busty snake'! Snakes don't have busts."

Ignoring the commentary, Sirius commented, "After all, I do believe that it should be a Marauder who discovers if Miss Vox is a Moaner or a Screamer."

Lupin turned twenty shades of pink to red. "I can't believe you said that."

"Thought you'd like first jump, Remus," Potter snickered. "Bosomy Greek blondes seem to be your thing."

Pettigrew posed heroically. "If you're not up to the job, Moony, then I selflessly volunteer!"

Potter made a rude noise. "You're the only one of us to claim 'most-kicks-to-the cods' by her."

"Only because I'm the most honest one of the lot of us!"

"Enough!" Black said. "I'll go first! And rest assured, gents, I will - like a good pack leader - share the booty -"

Unfortunately (for him), his sentiment was never finished, because of the interruption caused by his head popping off and rolling across the table and on the floor.

The rest of the Marauders stared in shock at Black's head as his eyes shifted around and he finally said, "What happened?"

Lupin was first to speak, "Your ... head fell off."

Black was silent a moment, then snarled, "Well - ! Put it back on!"

Potter and Pettigrew looked at each other, then Potter picked up his best friend's head and plopped it back on Black's body.

The head rolled off and hit the table. "OW!"

Potter picked it up and plopped it back on again.

Again, the head rolled off and hit the table. "IDIOT!"

"Lemme try," Pettigrew said, picking up the head and placing it on the body. He pounded his fist on top of Black's head, while their leader grunted with every hit.

Lupin pointed his wand. "Finite Incantatum."

Nothing happened, save that Pettigrew dropped Black's head back on the table.

Potter picked his head up. "Maybe if we screwed it back on? Oi! Get back here!"

"Get my body back!" Black cried.

Black's headless body dashed away from the group.

The Marauders got up and chased after the stumbling body through the Library.

"Hey get back here!" Pettigrew yelled.

"Don't lose my body!" Black ordered, being jostled around in Potter's arms.

"It would be really disgusting for your genitals to be running off on their own like that!" Potter commented.

Black exclaimed, "They ARE, you stupid goit!"

Lupin shrieked, "OH MY GOD - WHAT'S IT DOING TO MADAME PINCE???"

"Oh, Gods ... !" Black groaned in horror. "I DON'T want my body back now!"

"At least only half of you will be expelled!" Pettigrew offered helpfully.

"Or arrested," Lupin muttered.

"Shut up," Black snarled.

Potter twisted his face up. "You know, Padfoot, she's not ... fighting your body much."

"UUGGGHHHH! If I had any cookies right now, I'd be tossing them!" He shifted his eyes, then yelled, "WHY AREN'T YOU PULLING MY BODY OFF???"

"Oh, sorry," Potter said, placing Black's head on a table. "It was like watching a horrible accident."

"How do you think I feel??? UGH!"

The rest of the Marauders carefully disengaged Sirius Black's body from on top of Madame Pince, who seemed to be quite dazed and confused.

"She's still disoriented!" Lupin whispered. "Run, I'll make up some excuse!"

"Buy that man a butterbeer," Black stated. "Thanks, Moony!"

The Marauders took off with Black's body and head while Lupin turned around and helped the Librarian up. "Madame Pince, you poor thing, did that monster owl hurt you in any way??"

----------

The rest of the school was now abuzz with the separation of Sirius Black's head from his body while the teachers tried to fix him back to normal. The only ones who were now concerned with the 'break-up' of Snips and Spirals was Slytherin.

Sev knew this. He knew there was no chance of going back to his House while he and Martis were 'fighting' because of various Quidditch players who were threatening to turn him into a grease stain for what he did to their 'Miss Spirals'. He was going to have to camp out in the Conversation Room until he could finally catch X or X's House-Elf.

He hoped it would be worth it.

----------

Martis drew her curtains around her bed closed, propping up her wand and whispering, "Lumos."

The wand-light provided enough light for her to open up the notebook and see what she was writing. She was quite pleased with herself for picking up these Instant Message Notebooks in Flourish's and Botts' last summer; Mr. Botts' son Taliesin was in her year (a Ravenclaw) and he knew all the really neat stuff in his dad's shop. The boy was also staring at her chest the whole time, but at least he was able to keep his mind on the conversation they had about published mythologies in the Wizarding world.

Martis dipped her quill in the inkpot and wrote, 'Snips? You there?'

After a moment, her writing faded and Sev's spidery handwriting appeared, 'Spirals? You all right?'

'Yes, although it's lonely without you.'

'It's been hell on this end. I've practically been ostracized.'

'I'm so sorry, Snips. I didn't mean anything I said.'

'I know. I'm sorry, too.' After a moment, another sentence appeared, 'I know this will sound perverted, but you felt REALLY good. It's been a rather distracting memory.'

Martis smirked, thinking of several things she could respond with. Finally, she wrote, 'Thanks, although you didn't squeeze hard enough, I hardly felt it.'

'Ha-ha.'

'Robe, sweater, shirt, and bra; I think I felt more with my Quidditch armor.'

'Granted. Anybody approach you about our "break-up" besides the usual?'

'Mostly the usual. Karkaroff tried to "console" me, but I began ranting about all boys wanting sex, and that cooled him off.'

'I'll have to hex him later. Perhaps something involving algae?'

'Ooh, that would be lovely! Any sign of the House-Elf?'

'Not at all.'

'I hope they hurry up! I can't stand this!'

'I know. Fractured bones are preferable to not being with you.'

Martis grinned, wiping tears. She placed the quill to the paper and began to write something, then stopped herself and finished with, 'I was so sure it was my sisters.'

'I wasn't. The twins don't know what's going on; they were being used. Martis, I refuse to allow people to dictate THAT part of my life.'

'As you should. When we decide to do hoppi-hoppa, it'll be because we want to.'

'Spirals, how can you write that with a straight face?'

'It's not straight - in fact, it has a very goofy grin. Snips, where are you?'

'In the Conversation Room. Why?'

'Just wondering; making sure that you won't be smothered in your sleep by the Quidditch team.'

'Smother? Nonsense - they'd want me awake and screaming.'

'Ha-ha-ha. Yes, the team rarely does things behind anyone's back. Soul of Tactfulness, them. That was sarcasm.'

'I'm tempted to ask you to come up and visit later on tonight.'

Martis inhaled deeply. 'I'm tempted to suggest it myself. But we have to appear to be having a fight. Our Adversary knows about the Conversation Room and will probably be watching it.'

'I know. Besides, if you do come up, I won't let you go.'

She grinned to herself. She had an idea she would not let him go either - arms or otherwise. She slapped herself to get her mind out of the gutter. 'The offer is becoming more tempting, then. However, this plan has to work.'

'Yes.'

'Good night.'

'Already?'

'It doesn't have to be. Although it's hard talking with you this way - I prefer to cuddle.'

'Right. Please - no, you can't come up here.'

'Tease!'

'Not intentionally!'

'I know. Good night. Be safe.'

'Take care of yourself. Good night.'

Martis waited a few moments, then scribbled in the notebook, 'My Dark Prince and Brave Knight.' She shut it quickly and tucked it under her pillow, laying back and staring at the canopy ceiling.

The idea that someone was going to these lengths to get her and Sev together did not bother her. She was only disturbed by the fiasco with the fertility potion because she was not sure why she had been dosed with it. However, if they intended Sev to be the one to ... donate the material, then she had no real problem with it. It was a pain in the rump to fight an enemy when you wanted to lose.

Martis rolled over. Damn - no hiding and no denying it now. She wanted him all to herself in all ways possible. Why, though? He was backward, damaged, bitter, and not the greatest specimen of male.

But he was a great friend, had gorgeous liquid black eyes, and his intense moods made her all shivery.

No, that was just lust talking. Lust can be understood - it was biological and indiscriminate and can be quite enjoyable when applied.

In lust with Severus Snape? Come now, Martis, is it only lust?

She had no answer for that, except the strange notions from a month back of seeing both of them surrounded with children that looked like them. Lust would usually not throw such images around, would it?

Martis hugged her pillow, wishing all the world it was Sev.

This weekend was going to be the hardest weekend of her life.

-End-


End file.
